Parents and Boundaries

My wife and I thought parenting was pretty easy-peasy. A cake walk. A walk in the park, as they say. Until we actually had a kid. Until … they had the audacity to have an opinion. Strong ones. Resilient and air-tight, of course.

As Ray Ramano put it, “Having children is like living in a frat house—nobody sleeps, everything’s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.”

As our children got older, most of us found parenting to be a bit trickier. I found it much harder to be a good-Jesus lovin’ guy at certain junctures of parenting.

Fast-forward multiple years.

Today, my independent-discipled-adult-offspring have strong sentiments—like their mom and daddio. Taking the long view, I realize they’re not too different from how I was with my own parents.

Which takes us to a new topic: Daddy issues.

It is probably fair to say that many of us have mommy and daddy issues that we need to navigate. Even the best parents give their children baggage. Unfortunately, we probably all need to apologize to our firstborn kid. Kind of a guinea pig—we have absolutely no idea what we’re doing the first time around, but that’s for another day…

But there’s a disturbing phenomenon at work today. As you may recall, I spent nearly a quarter-century as a licensed counselor. I often suggested, even encouraged, boundaries as a way of healthy coping. Boundaries between parents. Boundaries between siblings. And probably most common, boundaries between adult children and their parents. Boundaries can be extremely beneficial when applied lovingly and strategically. But, in today’s world, a very unhealthy application of boundaries is taking place.

I fear that what used to be considered a boundary … is now a wall. When I speak of a boundary, I think of something that’s semi-permeable. It’s there to protect you and ultimately, the relationship. The goal is to continue to maintain a relationship while protecting yourself.

…over-correcting can be hazardous for relationships.

Today, however, walls have sometimes replaced boundaries. Occasionally, self-love, self-care, and having a healthy relationship balance have trumped having a meaningful relationship with one’s parents. It can feel like a serious overcorrection. Of course, corrections are often needed throughout the ages, but over-correcting can be hazardous for relationships. It’s very subtle, but over time, it can lead to missing the mark by a mile.

For most of us, we would admit that we have some daddy issues that we need to deal with. I’m guessing, to a lesser degree, many of us have some mommy issues we need to address. That’s probably standard operating procedure when we talk about true adulting. These issues can range from mildly irritating to crippling.

Unfortunately, some of us never deal with our daddy and mommy issues. That’s probably gonna keep us stuck. Keep us feeling like we’re on this endless search for approval, love, and feeling that we are “OK” as a person. Under closer scrutiny, some of us have received advanced degrees and certifications, altered our parenting styles and lifestyles, and pursued the big bucks—all in order to finally receive dad’s look of approval. Or to finally hear mom say she is proud of you.

It can be heartbreaking to witness someone in their 40s, 50s, 60s, and even 70s and 80s still searching for the elusive nod of approval from one or both parents. It’s pretty hard to witness. I still remember, when I was a man in my 30s, hearing another man in his mid-60s say he never received his dad’s approval for anything he did. Ouch.

Here’s a secret. Some people might even get into church work, non-profit ministry, or some “noble calling”—in order to become a member of the coveted Parents' Approval Club.

Perhaps it was, indeed, God’s calling. Perhaps it was this gnaw-in-the-gut-void that drove them toward a ministry-focused profession or leading a small group. Obviously, it’s not my place to judge, but I think it’s fair to say that when you consider our humanness and the number of opportunities for this to be a reality, it must be true for some.

Without getting into all the psychobabble, contemplating your current station in life, have you taken a deep dive to resolve your own mommy and/or daddy issues? (Even if your parents are deceased).

Are you still subtly setting yourself up in such a way as to get affirmation from your dad when you talk to him on the phone? Do you feel empty in your gut because you never hear your mom ask you a question that displays that she genuinely loves and cares about you?

Perhaps your parents are no longer around. Perhaps it’s time to understand that they did the best they could with what they had. Or maybe they are very much alive—but your expectations are too excessive—and you have built a wall rather than introspect and own your own stuff. Maybe it is time to cut them some slack. Maybe?

Perhaps you have built a super thick wall between you and your parents. You call it a boundary, but in reality, you know deep in your belly you’ve subtly, imperceptibly, created a fortress between you and your parent(s). If you contact them at all, you do your best to keep it superficial so that you don’t get hurt. I get it—but I encourage you to make sure you have a genuine boundary, not a wall.

Your parents will die someday. You will be sad no matter what the relationship was like. You will have this yearning in your gut for connections missed—or rarely known. If you still have the opportunity, maybe it’s time to contemplate reaching out. Forgiving. Expecting less. Much less than you deserve. Much less than you need.

Not a big fan of the word adulting. I understand the thought behind the concept/principle, but if we’re gonna go with that, genuine adulting means we actually have to invest sweat equity in the relationship.

Possibly, your parents cannot deliver at a higher level. Their EQ is too low. Possibly even their IQ. They were never mentored in developing healthy social skills. Have you thought that they have trauma that you know nothing about—that they saw something or experienced something in their own childhood that they never dealt with? Hidden wounds.

Even the healthiest of parents cannot meet their children’s expectations sometimes. Perhaps it’s time parents give their kids some slack. It’s time for adult children to give their parents some wiggle room. Children die. Parents die. You don’t wanna have any regrets. You really don’t.

Parents—try to remember that your adult children are living busy lives. We are not the center of their world like we sometimes wish we were. They have busy schedules and can feel overwhelmed and stressed.

Adult children—try to remember that your parents have lives, schedules, and relationship maintenance responsibilities, as you do. And they are doing life on much less energy than you probably can appreciate.

For extra credit, genuinely meditate on Matthew 19:19
To respond to any Pilgrimage devotional, you can email me directly at [email protected]

Visit FCW's Website

Forgotten Children Worldwide | 650 N Main St., Bluffton, IN 46714